


Inner Turmoil

by jmadd



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hearing Voices, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Schizophrenia, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-08 23:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12875088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jmadd/pseuds/jmadd
Summary: What if Cloud had been even more affected by the experiments done on him in Nibelheim than what was portrayed in the game? An exploration of his inner turmoil as expressed through his suicide notes.





	Inner Turmoil

Tifa simply can't believe it.

Merely a week ago, her childhood friend had been cutting up with her, Barret, and Marlene as if everything were normal. In hindsight, though, he _had_ seemed a little more lethargic and less well-groomed than usual, but she attributed that to his busy work schedule, of running deliveries all over Midgar and the surrounding areas. Of course, now she can see those for the subtle clues they actually were, but at the time she had little reason to suspect what was coming.

Barret had been the one to discover Cloud's body hanging from one of the rafters in his room in the loft above the bar. It was far too late to help him by then.

Tifa can't help but feel at least some modicum of guilt for not doing more to prevent this tragedy of a wasted life, but Barret is always quick to console her, to let her know that there was reasonably nothing they could have done to stop him once his mind was made up.“No matter how stupid he was, that damn foo wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over this,” he had assured her in his own trademark way.

Tifa sighs heavily, deep in thought. “Was.” It sounds so...final. He “was” stupid. He no longer “is.”

Cloud never had many earthly possessions, owing to the fact that he had lived a simple life. About the only furniture in his room is a modest bed, a wardrobe full of only the darkest of shades, and a small nightstand. He didn't even need a dining table since he would always come down to the bar to share a meal and a chat whenever he wasn't out on his delivery route.

Atop the nightstand is a framed picture of Cloud, Tifa, Marlene and Barret sitting around a table in the bar celebrating Tifa's recent 20th birthday. Tifa opens the top drawer and finds an assortment of mundane objects—tissues, potions, and, of course, hair gel...bottle after bottle of hair gel. She has to stifle a giggle at the memory of how much he loved the silliest hairstyles. The comforting memory is quickly replaced by a profound sadness as she struggles to hold back the tears once it hits her that that's all he will ever be to her from now on—a memory, growing ever more distant by the day.

She rummages deeper into the drawer and pulls out several papers folded together. She opens them and begins reading, quickly discovering something startling—it's a note written in Cloud's messy handwriting...a certain type of note in particular...

> _If you're reading this, it probably means that I'm already gone. If there's one question I'm sure you'll be asking yourselves, it's “why?”_
> 
> _I want you to rest assured that it really was no one's fault. There's probably nothing you could have done to save me. I've been tormented by these voices in my head for a long time now. I don't always hear them, but when I do, they're so loud that they make me feel like my head is being ripped apart, like a bomb went off in there or something, but in a far slower and more agonizing way. I could never hope to describe it well enough to make you understand the pain I'm going through every single day, sometimes even several times a day, but to put it simply, it's unbearable._
> 
> _I've gone to several people looking for help to deal with the pain but nothing they did worked. I really wanted to get better but no amount of antidotes or potions ever helped me. Every day is a living hell. I tried to hide it from you the best I could because I didn't want you to fool yourselves into thinking you could save me by just showing a little more love. Trust me, I'm eternally grateful for how great you guys always were to me and I enjoyed every moment with the three of you, but there's just nothing you could do._
> 
> _To Marlene: You are such a sweet little girl and I have no doubt you'll grow into a wonderful, mature woman ready to take on the world's challenges. Make sure you listen to your daddy, eat all your fruits and vegetables, behave well, and most importantly, live every day to its fullest._
> 
> _To Barret: A guy couldn't ask for a better friend than you. Despite all the hardships you've had in life, you've faced them all with unrivaled courage and determination. Marlene is so lucky to have a role model like you in her life. Your leadership experience will take Avalanche far and I wish you the best of luck in taking down Shinra. One piece of advice, though—maybe cool the temper a little if you can. I know you have every right to hate them, but you know kids at Marlene's age are like sponges, right?_
> 
> _To Tifa: Where to even begin?_
> 
> _I will forever cherish the time we spent together, whether at the bar or around that old well in Nibelheim. Know that the memories you gave me were some of the warmest ones I've had and helped to pull me out of some of my worst episodes. Sometimes I even doubted that I really knew who I was at all, that maybe I was just living someone else's life, but it was the sight of your beautiful smiling face, the same face I remember seeing so many times as a child, which reassured me that knowing who I am doesn't matter nearly as much when I have people who love and support me unconditionally at my side._
> 
> _I can tell Marlene loves you as if you were her own mother. I wish you happiness in your life with your unconventional family and the best of luck in toppling Shinra. They really deserve what's coming to them and, with your mad martial arts skills, you're just the one to give it to them. Although I'll no longer be fighting beside you in the mortal realm, if there's anything I can do from my side of things, I'll do it in the proverbial heartbeat._
> 
> _Cloud_

By the time she finishes reading the letter, Tifa is openly sobbing. Her efforts to wipe away the tears are entirely futile as they simply come too fast. Reading how he described his intense suffering, that he had known for some time how he would eventually take his own life...it's just too much for her to take in all at once.

As she walks down the hallway heading to her room, Marlene hears the loud sobbing coming from Cloud's room and cautiously approaches the door, knocking shyly. Tifa is unable to stop the tears long enough to even speak. Marlene eventually lets herself in. Seeing Tifa's anguish makes her rush to her “mother's” side and envelope her in a warm embrace.

Tifa simply sobs into Marlene's shoulder. Even though Marlene is too young to fully understand what happened to “big brother” Cloud, she's wise enough to know that Tifa merely needs her presence in this moment. No words are necessary. No words could possibly be enough to fill the void he left in all their lives.

**Author's Note:**

> Cloud's mental episodes were very similar to the actual symptoms of paranoia and schizophrenia. Schizophrenics IRL have a very high suicide rate. Watch the movie “A Beautiful Mind” if you want to see a good portrayal of schizophrenia—it will show the parallel.
> 
> Inspired by the real notes of someone I personally knew who suicided at age 20 because of bipolar disorder. He and I were both big FFVII fans. I hope I've raised some awareness of mental illness thru this fic.


End file.
